MEGADETH ARE BETTER THAN METALLICA

Yeah, that’s right. You heard. Megadeth are better than Metallica. Always have been, always will be. It’s not a matter of opinion. It’s a fact. A big, shiny, copper-plated fact that I’m about to shove right up the arse of your consciousness, while shrieking the chorus from Train Of Consequences through my nose. I might even dye my hair ginger to emphasise the point. Yeah, that’s right. Megadeth are better than Metallica. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Just read it and shut up, you idiot.

1. CLASSIC ALBUMS

Let’s do this using the powers of maths. Ignoring live albums and compilations (which I’ll get back to later on), Metallica have released a grand total of nine studio albums. The first four are, I think we can all agree, absolutely fucking awesome. Anyone who wants to argue the toss about that little nugget of truth can quietly leave the room with the sound of shame and hatred ringing in their ears of cloth. Die. We don’t need you. It gets a little bit trickier when we reach Metallica, the Black Album, but since it’s mainly really good and has Enter Sandman on it, I’ll happily ignore the fact that it was overproduced and nowhere near as good as the first four albums and accept that it’s a classic. So far, so awesome. What’s next? Load. Fucking rubbish. Reload. Also fucking rubbish. There are a handful of good songs in there somewhere, of course, but overall we’re talking a pair of crippled turkeys with cancerous beaks. So that leaves us with St. Anger. I gave it a good review at the time. I’m genuinely sorry about that. I got a bit carried away and was only allowed to hear it twice before I wrote the review. I’d like to retrospectively withdraw a K. Thanks. St. Anger is probably not as bad as people make out…yeah, like suddenly you’re all fucking experts on snare drum sounds, for fuck’s sake….but it’s obviously not that brilliant either. Finally, there’s Death Magnetic. Ooh, you could have surfed to Hawaii on the wave of relief that appeared when people heard it for the first time, couldn’t you? And yes, it’s very obviously the best thing they’ve done since (at the very least) the self-titled album, but is it a classic? Is it balls. A few really good tracks and a lot of clumsy waffle. That instrumental thing goes on for about a week and even though I’ve heard it 25 times, I still couldn’t whistle a single riff from it. It’s hardly Seek And Destroy, is it? Exactly. So no, Death Magnetic is not a classic. Shush now. So, that’s a grand total of FIVE classic albums for Metallica. Jolly well done. That’s five more than Limp Bizkit, for a start.

Okay, so let’s have a little look at the Megadeth back catalogue. Again, they got off to a pretty heroic start. Killing Is My Business, Peace Sells, So Far So Good, Rust In Peace…every single one, a stone-cold classic. In fact, Killing Is My Business is easily the best of the debuts made by thrash metal’s Big Four. I love Kill ‘Em All more than I love most of my family, but it’s a lot less groundbreaking and only really hinted at what Metallica were capable of. The same goes for Fistful Of Metal and Show No Mercy. Killing Is My Business, on the other hand, ripped my pre-teen face off and used it as chamois leather on Mustaine’s offal-splattered muscle car (I may have imagined that last bit). After Rust In Peace, of course, Megadeth made Countdown To Extinction. I realise that there will be lots of people who think that Countdown was “too commercial” and “not thrash” and “lots of other stuff that only morons ever mention”. All these people are fools and should be killed. Meanwhile, Countdown To Extinction is a masterpiece. Agreed? Good. So, moving on to slightly more contentious records, what about Youthanasia? I didn’t like it that much at the time, but now I love it. Even so, it’s not quite on a par with the first five Megadeth records, so because I’m being fair (and because I know what happens at the end) I’ll discount it as a true classic. Cryptic Writings? Well, I really like it…perhaps a bit more than I should…and it has got Trust on it…but…but…no, you’re right. Not a classic. Risk? Fuck off. The World Needs A Hero? When did you last listen to it? The case rests. The System Has Failed? A false dawn, if you ask me. It sounded like a super-gnarly Megadeth album and had some amazing riffs and solos on it, but ultimately the songs just weren’t there. So that leaves United Abominations. I gave it 9/10 in Metal Hammer and I stand by that score. It’s a superb record; the perfect blend of Countdown-style shiny crunch and Youthanasia-style songy-songsville behaviour. It even has some proper, balls-out thrash bits, and Mustaine’s voice has never sounded better. So there you have it…even before I tell you that Endgame is the best Megadeth album since (at the very least) Countdown To Extinction, we’ve already reached the not-entirely-surprising conclusion that Megadeth have released SIX classic studio albums. That’s a win, bitches. A big, fat ginger win.

And don’t get me started on S&M and Garage Inc. Yeah, lots of fun for all the family, but they were a rich band’s indulgences during a fallow creative period. Great for the can’t-see-past-the-logo obsessive fans, but not all that amazing in the cold light of day. A day, incidentally, that has already revealed that Megadeth made more classic albums. Did you miss that bit? Never mind. Take it as read.

2. MUSICIANSHIP

Dave Mustaine is a better guitarist than either James Hetfield or Kirk Hammett. He can do everything that either of them can do, but better. Can you imagine Kirk Hammett playing the main riff from Tornado Of Souls? He’d break his fingers and choke on his drugs. And don’t think for a minute that I’m only considering Mustaine’s skills in this watertight argument of mine. Oh no. Looking back through the history of Megadeth, it’s pretty obvious that every last significant member of the band has been a stone-cold face-ripper with chops the size of Brazil. Chris Poland? Shredmaster. Marty Friedman? Shredmaster plus. Nick Menza? Jimmy DeGrasso? The Drover brothers? Monstrous talents, each and every one. Of course, I’m not saying that Metallica are crappy musicians. Hetfield is one of the best rhythm guitar players ever. Obviously. Kirk is probably a bit underrated, all told. Cliff Burton…well, anyone with balls big enough to criticise Cliff Burton in front of me had better be wearing a goddamn gumshield. Rob Trujillo is an amazing bass player too. I even liked the thwackety-thwackety stuff he did in Suicidal Tendencies and Infectious Grooves. But pound for pound? Megadeth’s records are tighter, more precise and more technical on every level. Even at their peak, the current line-up of Metallica would not be physically capable of playing Holy Wars…The Punishment Due and making it sound as good as it does on Rust In Peace. Not a chance. And you know it’s true. And if you don’t, write your own blog. Pillock.

3. LYRICS

Regardless of what people might say when they’re lost in the moment, pissed up on booze and seconds away from windmilling like crazed bitches from Hell City, lyrics are important. What a band says may not be quite as important as how they sound when they say it, or how many totally awesome widdly guitar solos they have in each song, but the impact of great lyrics is not to be underestimated. Both Metallica and Megadeth scored pretty highly early on. Despite their often clumsy and primitive way with words, both bands started off their careers singing about the things that mattered to them and, as time went on, they matured and evolved, becoming pretty damn good lyricists (and I’m thinking primarily of Mustaine and Hetfield here) along the way. Personally, I always preferred Mustaine’s lyrics (surprise!) but I’ve raucously bellowed along to both bands often enough to be able to say that the lyrics on those ‘80s (and in some cases ‘90s) albums really resonated with me. So I call a tie, up to that point at least. Sadly, Metallica lost the plot in spectacular fashion during the ‘90s. I don’t care why. Whatever happened, by the time they arrived at St. Anger they were utterly incapable, either individually or collectively, of writing decent lyrics. Listen to that album, with its hopelessly compromised self-help manual buzzwords and awkwardly confessional cut ‘n’ paste sloganeering, and if you don’t cringe at least once, you are a robot and I’m telling Harrison Ford. And yes, I know he’s a robot too. OR IS HE???? It doesn’t matter because even if he was writing lyrics blindfold, with a turd, at the bottom of the sea, Indiana Jones would do a much better job than some of the guff on St. Anger and, it pains me to say it, Death Magnetic too. Have you actually listened to the lyrics on that album? No, thought not. Too busy having a crafty wank and celebrating Metallica’s return to the world of music that doesn’t suck, I’ll bet. Not to worry. I’ll summarise for you. “Boo hoo! I’m rich and messed up! And I’m overly familiar with a rather large number of clichés!” I think the hook in Broken, Beat & Scarred rather says it all: “What don’t kill you make you more strong!” Bad grammar and massive cliché alert!! Anyway, James, try telling that to Stephen Hawking.

Meanwhile, Mustaine’s lyrics remain as sharp and snotty as ever. I still don’t agree with his politics or his religious views, but the man writes lyrics that (a) suit the music perfectly, (b) make sense out of context, so that when you read them on the CD booklet, you don’t feel sorry for the poor sod that wrote them. On the new album, he sings about dangerous motor sports, political corruption, medieval torture devices and battles from Lord Of The Rings. Dave Mustaine is awesome. James Hetfield is also awesome, but sometimes his lyrics suck.

4. REINVENTION

On the one and only time that Megadeth tried to reinvent themselves, it went horribly wrong. You’ve probably either never heard Risk or, like me, you’ve blanked it from your mind as if it was an unfortunate incident involving genitals and cutlery that occurred during a tentative masturbatory exploration in the distant past. That’s YOU, incidentally. Not me. I’m a good Christian boy. Anyway, the point is that Risk is largely hideous and Megadeth were never supposed to be a poppy band with dance-style remixes and radio-friendly choruses (even though they frequently do the latter perfectly well in a 100% metal context). The great thing is that Mustaine knew that Risk was a mistake and has since acknowledged the fact. The whole reason his band survived at all was that he realised that everything was going tits up and that other people were interfering in his vision of what Megadeth should be. He told everyone else to fuck off, grabbed the reins and has been fully in charge ever since. That’ll explain the increasingly brilliant records and complete lack of reality TV-style documentary films. Metallica, on the other hand, went a bit peculiar after the Black Album made them inordinately rich and famous. Lars and Kirk started hoovering up mountains of cocaine and suddenly decided that they it would be a good idea to start playing country rock tunes, ripping off Corrosion Of Conformity and pretending to be gay. Then they thought it would be awesome to record a live album with an orchestra. Then they thought it would be awesome to make an album with songs written by committee and with no guitar solos. They were wrong about all these things and James Hetfield knew it, but for the most part he was too busy necking vodka and cudgelling bears to death in the woods to do anything about it. Dave Mustaine has had his fair share of problems too, but he never started wearing eyeliner or putting spunk on his album covers.

5. ALBUM COVERS

Speaking of which, many of Megadeth’s album covers were created by Ed Repka. He rules. Mustaine doesn’t like him very much anymore, but the point still stands. Even the recent Megadeth album covers are okay. Metallica, it seems almost unnecessary to point out, have only had one decent album cover since …And Justice For All, and that was for an album that sounds like it was recorded inside Bob Rock’s arse and no one will admit to liking it. I don’t know what the new Megadeth album will have on its cover, but I’m willing to bet at least one of my testicles that it will be better than a coffin-cum-fanny combination.

6. LIVE

I went to see Metallica for the first time in 1988 at the Hammersmith Odeon, on the …And Justice For All world tour. Danzig were supporting. It was fucking brilliant and I wasn’t even drinking heavily. Happy days. I saw them again at Wembley Arena in May 1990. Warrior Soul were supporting. It was fucking brilliant and I was drinking heavily. Happy days again. No complaints about Metallica’s live prowess back in those days whatsoever. I only saw Megadeth once when I was younger and I really can’t remember much about it, other than the fact that the venue was in London, I had an absolutely amazing time and I drank my own bodyweight in poor-quality lager. So far, so equal. In recent years, I’ve seen Metallica so many times that I’ve lost the ability to distinguish one show from another in my battered memory, but although I really, really enjoyed them at the 02 Arena recently and thoroughly enjoyed hearing Master Of Puppets all the way through at Download (whenever that was), I just don’t think they’re as good as they used to be. Everyone knows that Lars isn’t the greatest drummer in the world, but at least he used to be able to play the songs at the right tempo. These days, the faster songs are often a little bit painful to listen to. As with their recent albums, the Metallica of today sound looser and more like a garage band than they ever did in their thrash heyday. Back then, they seemed well-drilled and precise. Now, they’re still brilliant but they never quite match up to my memory of Hammersmith or Wembley. Megadeth, in stark contrast, seem to be even better now than they were 20 years ago. The last time I saw them, at Brixton Academy in 2008, they were so fantastic that I actually did a small wee in my pants. Chris Broderick is, without a doubt, the best lead guitarist that Mustaine has ever recruited and the rhythm section were similarly flawless. The whole thing was jaw-dropping from start to finish. And while Metallica insist on wheeling out the occasional songs from their rubbish ‘90s albums, Megadeth seem to know precisely what the kids want. And that’s Tornado Of Fuckin’ Souls. I’ll keep going to see both bands for as long as they continue touring, but as far as who I’m more likely to get stupidly excited about, there’s simply no contest.

7. THRASH

Dave Mustaine invented thrash. Fact. All the best songs on Kill ‘Em All were his. Listen to Killing Is My Business and you’ll hear the real birth of thrash/speed metal. Listen to Kill ‘Em All and you’ll hear the bit just before the birth of thrash metal…the bit where heavy metal bands sped up a bit and took more speed to assist with the speeding up thing. It was all Mustaine’s idea. Seriously. That’s why Megadeth are still a thrash metal band. Because that’s what he does. I’m not sure that Metallica are entirely sure what they are these days. Either way, Dave Mustaine invented thrash. Factimundo. Don’t agree? Too bad. Dave Mustaine invented thrash.

8. THERAPY

There’s nothing wrong with a bit of therapy. I had some once. Sorted me right out. Well, mainly. I still kill stray dogs, but otherwise I’m fine. The thing is, though, that I’m not in a heavy metal band with a huge worldwide fan base. Not entirely sure what went wrong there, to be honest. I feel a bit cheated. Still, fame and fortune has its drawbacks too, doesn’t it? For instance, you might be so incalculably wealthy and dazzled by the bright lights of stardom that you decide that it would be a totally rad idea to film the recording of your new album, including every last bit of excruciatingly personal behind-the-scenes minutiae, and then turn it into a major motion picture! Well, we’ve all done it! Or, rather, we fucking well haven’t. I’ve seen Some Kind Of Monster now. I put it off for about two years because I found the whole idea a bit traumatic, but in the end I sat through the whole thing and found it moderately enjoyable. The problem is that I don’t feel I’ve gained anything as a fan of Metallica by learning that they employed a therapist to help them “work through” their interpersonal problems. After years of touring and being forced to spend time with each other, it makes perfect sense that Metallica might have one or two issues to thrash out behind closed doors but why, in the name of Jesus H. Corbett and all his equally non-existent disciples, would you want to show the whole world? It’s nothing to be ashamed of, the therapy thing, but surely it wouldn’t hurt to maintain a teensy bit of mystique and arcane charm. I already knew that James Hetfield was a tormented soul, that Lars Ulrich was a gobby pain in the arse and that I wouldn’t pick Kirk Hammett for my pub quiz team any time soon, but to have it rammed down my spasm-plagued gullet in such an unapologetic manner just seems a little bit too much.

Now as you probably know, Dave Mustaine is a long way from being blameless in the old drug-munching psycho department. Sacked from Metallica for being a rowdy drunk with poor table manners, he spent the next decade shoving half of South America up his nose and half of Afghanistan into his veins, while swimming in a vast pool of chilled Jim Beam. He might be a hero of mine, but he really was a fucking nutter and deeply objectionable with it. The last time I interviewed him, he also mentioned that he’d once dabbled extensively in the occult. Personally, I think all notions of paranormal activity and occult are a load of sweaty knackers, but I don’t doubt Mustaine’s sincerity. Neither do I doubt his claims that he spent a lot of money and a lot of time trying to exorcise his demons, real or otherwise, and that he must have visited more than a few therapists in his time. But thanks to the fact that there has never been a Megadeth movie recounting a difficult period in the band’s career, with all the tantrums and smashed tiaras that would surely have ensued, I don’t have any mental images of Dave sitting on a black leather couch, whimpering through a veil of snot, or shrieking dementedly at his band mates in an attempt to vent 20 years of inner turmoil. Instead, I always think of Dave Mustaine as that fucking awesome ginger dude from one of my favourite metal bands of all time. He dealt with his problems and then shut the fuck up about them. Another win for Dave, then, yeah? Yeah.

9. HAIR

Dave Mustaine still has long hair. So does everyone else in his band. That is all.

10. ENDGAME

Like everyone else, I was a little bit thrilled when I heard Death Magnetic for the first time. Even though I really didn’t mind St. Anger (I still say that Sweet Amber is awesome and All Within My Hands is brilliantly bonkers), it was obviously time for Metallica to either make a kick-arse metal album or bugger off already. They just about managed the former, I think, and even with a little bit of hindsight the album stands up as the best thing they’ve done in 20 years. However, the amount of critical froth that I had to wade through to get to a review that told the truth about Death Magnetic was somewhat staggering. There are at least five great songs on that album, but it’s no classic. Instead, I firmly believe that the vast majority of the cheers and fanfares heralding its release were inspired by an overwhelming sense of relief that Metallica had finally made a strong album again. Totally understandable. I would be a miserable, mean-spirited bastard to deny anyone their little happy-skippy dance to commemorate such a long-awaited moment. However, when you compare Death Magnetic to the new Megadeth album, it vanishes in a puff of Danish hot air. There is simply no comparison. Endgame fucking rips, from start to finish. It is remorselessly metal from start to finish, and not in an old-guys-giving-it-a-jolly-good-go kind of way, but in a state-of-the-art, teach-those-youngsters-a-thing-or-two, come-and-have-a-go-if-you-think-you’re-metal-enough-even-though-you-don’t-stand-a-chance kind of way. The band are on blazing form, whether its Mustaine and Broderick’s magnificent six-string mastery or the pinpoint grind ‘n’ thud of James Lomenzo and Shawn Drover, and every single song crackles with pure energy and real, chest-out-and-fuck-right-off attitude. Cosy obsolescence? No, sir! Metal up your ass? Yes please, and one for the horse! Endgame is a fucking fantastic heavy metal record…a thrash metal record, goddamnit…and it wipes the floor with just about everything else I’ve heard this year. It’s almost certainly the best thing Megadeth have done since Rust In Peace, and by my reckoning that makes it the second best Megadeth album ever. I’m getting slightly aroused just thinking about it. When all is said done, it’s a clincher. Even if you totally disagree with everything else I’ve said, you will soon succumb to the undeniable truth that Endgame is better than Death Magnetic and that, therefore, Megadeth in 2009 are better than Metallica in 2009. You can’t argue with science. And I am a scientist, aren’t I? You can tell by the way I sometimes wear glasses when I watch telly and I occasionally seem a bit awkward in social situations. I’m the heavy metal Johnny Ball. I’m King Diamond in a lab coat. I’ve just written three and a half thousand words of this rubbish. That’s how much I like Megadeth. Good day to you.